Dedicated to H and C. Poem written by Douglas Florian.

(watch author Florian Douglas read his poem out loud!)

I bought this book of poetry at my kid’s book fair for primarily for the little kid in me who is still discovering the joys and mystery of friendships.

Now that I am in the stage of raising teens who are figuring out friendship dynamics, I find myself reliving my past and being reminded of the awkward, sometimes painful, but mostly incredibly rewarding process of learning to build friendships.

Amidst the complex intersection of social and political topics we discuss in the counseling profession, the topic of “friendship” seems like a plain old, boring, unsophisticated topic. But I argue that knowing how to be a friend and make authentic friendships is a foundational element and skill to human flourishing. In a time when loneliness and isolation is an epidemic (see Surgeon General’s 2023 advisory doc), we need a refresher on the basics of building connection and community: it begins with friendship.

The Building Blocks of Friendship

Definition of friendship: A state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. In all cultures, friendships are important relationships throughout a person’s life span.

The definition describes what the final state of a long-lasting friendship looks like, but all friendships begin in baby-form where two people explore their similarities, differences, preferences, personality styles, values and beliefs together. If there is synergetic match, a friendship is born! But to break it down to the fundamentals, I’ll address three key building blocks or elements that are essential to forming healthy and thriving friendships.

Know Thyself

The act of becoming a friend first begins with yourself and who you are as a person. Let’s ponder the question, “What kind of person are you? What kind of friend would you be to others?” The first building block of friendship is being someone of character who seeks to grow in self-reflection. From my experience, the people who make good quality friends are people who seek to know themselves well and value who are they are while valuing and upholding the worth of others.

When you know who you are, you gain confidence socially and experiment with offering parts of yourself to others. What do you offer to others? Are you kind, funny, insightful, energizing, patient or loyal? I think a lot of times people are afraid to make deeper connections with others because they feel they don’t have much to offer or not aware enough of the value they can bring to others. The fear of rejection is strong when you haven’t found safe people to practice this exercise of friendship give and take. A good friend can help draw out your hidden gifts and abilities. The mystery of friendship is that when we offer what we have, even if it is a little, and keep practicing this social habit with safe people, overtime a friendship is born and new inner confidence also develops.

Humility

The second building block of friendship is humility. In counseling we talk about the importance of cultural humility when working with diverse populations. This principle of humility is also a key ingredient to friendship building. What does it take to be open to other people’s perspective, be patient in listening, suspending your judgment or opinions while you wait to hear the other person’s whole story? Humility. It takes humility to set yourself aside and share the space with another person. A well kept secret about humility is that it takes a lot of “pride” to be humble, but not in the way you think about pride. True humility takes a lot of courage and self-confidence. This kind of self-confidence is not a boastful pride that feels good about oneself by putting others down. Humble people deeply understand their self-worth and are secure in it, thus not threatened by giving others center stage.

Empathy

This last building block of friendship I highlight rests upon the ability to know yourself and practice humility. When these self-reflective processes are at work within you, the trait of empathy is going to develop. Self-knowledge and humility are necessary percussors to empathy because to be empathetic is to be able to see life from another person’s perspective with compassion and choose to put yourself aside to allow another person’s concerns to come ahead of yours. To me, the trait of empathy* is the hallmark of a friendship worth treasuring. In Brene Brown’s words, “empathy drives connection,” which is the goal of true friendships. And connection and feeling a sense of belonging is what human beings throughout their lifespan, from little toddlers, to sullen teenagers to busy middle-aged moms, and elderly seniors, are looking for.

There is so much more to say about friendship, which I will continue in another post. In my life, friendships are where the truest treasures of life have been found. I am immensely grateful for the friends who have come and gone and stayed in my life, I have been changed by them.

*watch Brene Brown’s explanation of empathy vs sympathy.